where it begins.

A few months ago I watched a video on FB that got stuck in my head like that song from Lamb Chops (you know the one, don't make me sing it). It was the story of the guy who wrote "How He Loves Us" which is a beautifully haunting song that has impacted me, and many in our community, deeply.

The story goes that the day before John Mark McMillan wrote the song, he was in a staff prayer meeting at their church when his dear friend and youth pastor prayed this prayer; "Lord, if it would shake the youth of the nation, I will give my life." And that night he died in a tragic car accident. John wrote the song the very next day and proceeded to live the next year frustrated that they weren't seeing revival out of the death of his friend, that change did not seem to be coming from that place of pain and deep loss. In reality, this song, that John wrote out of that very place of pain, has changed thousands of kid's and adult's lives across the country. Often when its sung, by whoever, the Spirit moves and John has received countless reports of healings, bondage being broken, lives being transformed and people coming home to Jesus. It has shook more than just the youth of the nation.

And so I heard this story and I could not get away from it. I journaled about it, I told the Babe about it, I sent it to other friends on FB and I just kept asking God what he wanted me to find in it. Because its a beautiful, moving story but it's not my story; I'm not going to write an epic song that calls people to Jesus and I'm not called to lay down my life for the youth of the nation. But I am called to lay it down for something.

So four weeks later, I sat at Awaken, listening to this song again and suddenly, the Spirit whispered to me what my prayer was.

If it will call people home to Jesus, I will give my life.

I want to die for this, if He asks. But probably, more painfully, I will have to die to myself, to my sin, selfishness, pride, anger, cynicism and rights every single day. To die to my comfort, ideals and need to be in control.

I want to try, everyday, to die to these things a little bit more, so that Jesus would be made much of and I would be nothing. I will plead with God to put to death all these things so that those I love, those I'm trying to love and anyone else I might touch, will see Jesus, not me. So that people will be called home. No matter the cost.

That's what I want, and on rough days, I want to want it. (know what I mean Vern?)

And this, therefore, are the stories of me. Trying to die in whatever way He calls me to. And my epic failures and Jesus' fist-pumping successes, along the way.

Pull up a comfy chair, grab a cup of tea and please, try not to mock me too much.